Why Tesla is the Crocs of the Car World

You might think you’re ahead of the game, saving money on gas, bragging about “autopilot,” and jerking off while watching Netflix at a Supercharger. But let’s be real: Tesla is gay. Which is why two of my exes drive them. Sure, they’re cheaper to buy and tax incentives are nice, but the quick “jolt” you get by going “ludicrous” is like eating Taco Bell at 2 AM and immediately regretting it… just like all your other hookups. Boring AF in real life. No personality, dull on the outside, and silent where it matters 🤮.

But let me tell you what I really think about these cars that are mass-produced and still need a software upgrade every time you go to sleep: the men who drive them are the ones who only listen to Joe Rogan and brag about the crypto market. You must hate it that you fell for another scam, right? How about the dependency on an iPad that you have to use your pointer finger to reverse or drive forward? Are you kidding me? Yea, let me just put my 8-year-old in the front seat so he can drive off, no problem, and don't get me started on the constant recalls on these cars. You guessed it, in 2023, two million were recalled due to "safety regulators"... ok.. yeah, they might be safe if they worked properly.

Look, I get it—not everyone cares about the sound of a combustion engine. Are you a loser? Probably. And yes, I keep in mind there are those who don’t want to take their SF90 or Porsche 911 Turbo S out every day as a daily driver. Maintenance is a bitch. I drive a Porsche and cry every time I pay $300 for an oil change, which is why I started doing it myself.

Anyways, stop with the “I hate Elon Musk” club stickers on your car and just trade it in already. I’m tired of it. Slap a bumper sticker on that says “I settled,” and let’s call it a day.