WRX Drivers AKA Vape Pen Boys

Alright, let’s face it—Subarus aren’t the worst cars. (Despite their rainbow reputation). They’re dependable enough, I’ll give them that. They’ll start in the morning, they’ll get you through a snowstorm, and they’ll still be limping along even after their third owner. But let’s not kid ourselves: a WRX isn’t cool, it’s a neon sign for “I peaked in high school and still vape in 2025.”

Every guy behind the wheel thinks he’s a background extra in Tokyo Drift, except the only drifting he’s doing is hydroplaning into a curb on a rainy Tuesday. That so-called “boxer rumble” they all brag about? It doesn’t sound tough; it sounds like a dying Roomba choking on Legos. A WRX at full throttle isn’t a symphony of speed—it’s a mechanical asthma attack.

And performance? Please. 0–60 in 5 seconds? Cute. A Kia EV6 will hand you your ass while carrying soccer practice snacks in the trunk. But Subaru bros love to chant “all-wheel drive” like it’s some holy scripture, as if grip alone makes up for the fact that their cars look and sound like they’re held together by vapes and Monster cans.

The mods? Don’t even get me started. Mismatched bumpers, coilovers from the bargain bin, and “Stage 2 tunes” that are just an expensive way to make your car sound like it’s sneezing fireworks. And of course, the head gasket that taps out before 50K miles—it’s not a defect, it’s a Subaru tradition. WRX owners treat AutoZone like it’s their second home.

So no, Subarus aren’t the ugliest, and they’re not the slowest. But they are the loudest attention-seekers on the block—and not in a good way. It’s the car that screams, “I vape and I’m proud,” while everyone else rolls their eyes.

You’re not fast. You’re not special. You’re just another cloud-chasing wannabe with a wheezy four-cylinder and delusions of rally greatness.

At the end of the day, the WRX isn’t the cool kid—it’s the kid who thinks he’s cool, desperately trying to prove it with pops, bangs, and blow-off valves. And honestly? It’s time Subaru—and its drivers—stop clinging to a glory that never really existed outside of YouTube highlight reels.